My fellow blerd Mike Bridenstine let me borrow this book of his called: “Toasts: The Illustrated Book of Drinking Poems, Salty Salutations, Eloquent Epithets & Vivid Verbosity.” Whoo! That’s a mouthful. Anyway, GREAT book. I’m never going to be at a loss for a good toast again! Next time Jared the Logan orders a round and a half of fuzzy nipples for all his compadres, he’ll have the perfect toast. Imagine me, holding my Tom Collins high into the air, a look of indefatigable arrogance covering my face, my lips curled smugly, as I say something like:
“I drink it as the Fates ordain it. Come, fill it, and have done with rhymes; Fill up the lonely glass and drain it, in memory of dear old times.”

OR

“Here’s to the Good Things of this World—Parsons are preaching for them, Lawyers are pleading for them, Physicians are prescribing for them, Authors are writing for them, Soldiers are fighting for them, but true Philosophers alone are enjoying them.”
True Philosophers! Yeah, that’s basically how I see me and my friends. Especially when we’re all hanging out, drinking, discussing deep stuff like the meaning of the movie Donnie Darko.

Here’s the toast I would give if me and the people drinking with me were about to go on a quest to save the land from Frost Giants…
“May the pole-star of hope guide us through the sea of misfortune.”
It’s in the book!
If I was about to give a shit-load of money to charity, I’d give this toast:
“Here’s to Charity, the brightest gem in the diadem of humanity. It elevates and ennobles those who practise and follow its sublime mission in dispelling sorrow and suffering. May the luster of its brilliancy never grow dim.”
I can see myself saying that now with all kinds of people looking up and admiring me. Hot wealthy women with fancy necklaces thinking to themselves “If only he was mine. I know I could tame him.” or “What a way with words! Does he know he just made me cream my fancy silk undershorts?”

This book has inspired me to write a couple of my own toasts. I don’t think I’m kidding myself when I say I have a bit of my own verbal vivacity. I can turn a phrase or two, is what I’m saying. Here are a couple of toasts that I’ve written myself…
Here’s a toast to use when you’re toasting a woman named Edna, especially if this woman named Edna is your boss…
“To Edna! She looks like an old man!”

What if you’re giving a toast at a club meeting? Here’s a toast I made up for that occasion…
“Groucho Marx once said ‘I wouldn’t belong to any club that would have me as a member’ but we must always remember this: Grouch Marx was a jew.”

Here’s a more poetic style toast that you can give at your parent’s 50th wedding anniversary…
“Mother. Father. Here’s to love. Love is a light that shines long. Love is right that rights wrongs. Love is a fight that snaps thongs. Let me see that thong, mama! Come on, shake what God gave ya! Let me see that tho-o-o-ong! That thong-tha-thong-thong-thong!”

Speaking of awkward family get-togethers, here are two toasts to give at at family reunion…
FAMILY REUNION TOAST #1: “Here’s to our family! We know how to cook, we know how to eat, and we know to drink! It’s too bad we’re riddled with incest.”
FAMILY REUNION TOAST #2: “Here’s to Grandfather’s inheritance! Once it’s safely mine, you’ll all be out in the gutter where you belong!”

And finally, here’s a toast for when you’re drinking with dear friends…
” To Old Friends! Here’s to the friends who keep us honest! Here’s to the friends that keep us light! Here’s to the friends who betrayed our secret pact and had to be bludgeoned in the night!

Don’t make that face, Cheryl! We did what we had to do! You agreed to the plan! Kyle, I think Cheryl’s going to blab. You and Andy tie her up and toss her in the basement with Tom’s body. I’ll decide what to do with her later. Carrie, you and Elliott go out to the clearing and check on the money, make sure it’s still safe. If you’re not back in an hour, Kyle and I will hunt you like dogs. Now go! That’s right. Out to the clearing. Yes. We’re all good friends here. Such very good friends. Not a care in the world. Yes. Yesss. Yesssssss.”

08/05/2006
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