9. K-19: The Widowmaker. Other considered titles were G67: Betrothed Man Murderer. H75467: Manufacturing Wives with Dead Spouses.

8. K-911 starring Jim Belushi. This was the sequel to K-9. K-911 is a terrible unworthy sequel to K-9, just like Jim Belushi is a terrible unworthy sequel to John Belushi. (I haven’t seen K-9, and had it confused with Turner and Hooch when I wrote the brilliant dismissal above.)

7. Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins. Still holding out for the sequel, Remo Williams: Who?

6. Gleaming the Cube. This sounds like a euphemism for female masturbation. Which is pretty cool.

5. Master and Commander: Far side of the world. This movie sounds like one of those board games that have a map of the world dividing into hexagons and you have to gather resources such as limes lest your crew dies of scurvy. I wish Russell Crowe would die of scurvy.
4. Cops and Robbersons. (I have no idea what this movie is about, so I will guess the plot of the movie and then mock it.) This movie is about a family, the Robbersons, who are a family of thieves, or robbers, or Robbersons. How stupid do you have to be to be a robber if your name is Robberson? That’s a clue for the cops right there, even if just a subliminal one. That would be like Matthew Macounaghey becoming a con man. A friend’s wife calls him Matthew McCumOnMe. My friend does not like this nickname, because he does not want the handsome actor to ejaculate on his wife.

3. United States of Leland. The only way this title could redeem itself would be if the entire movie was about how stupid this title is.

2. Lucky Number Slevin. Thisl title is slo sltupid. Inside info: the sequel is called Unlucky Number Mr. Shmirteen.

1. Ballistic colon Ecks vs. Seever. This title has everything. Two people we don’t know, a random word that has nothing to do with the movie, and a colon.

24/04/2006
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