Hey old lady in front of me at the gas station, it’s seven o’clock in the morning, I’m late for work, do you have to buy thirty-five lottery tickets right now? And how come you have to buy them in seven separate installments?

“Four Pick Six (cash transaction… pause), seven Pick Three (cash transaction… pause), four Crossword scratch tickets (cash transaction… pause) eleven Mega Millions, with the following numbers: Ticket Number One- three… twelve… nineteen… twenty-three… thirty-four… wait, did I say nineteen? Okay, start over. Ticket Number one…”

And why don’t you hand the money to the cashier? Stop throwing the money on the counter like this is a casino. Its not. You’re standing three feet from cum mags. Aren’t you supposed to be on a fixed income? I’d be willing to bet you have some grandchildren who would love to inherit some of this money that you’re frittering away at the Shell station.

Excellent… it looks like you’re ready to leave. Wait… I spoke too soon. Now, its time to check all of the loser tickets you bought last week. Nope… nope… nope… nope… wait a minute… free ticket!

“One Mega Millions, with the following numbers: Fourteen…”

I’m 26-years-old, which means I’ve never appreciated the television show, M.A.S.H. I’ve never understood why the hell that show was so popular. The final episode of M.A.S.H. is one of the highest rated shows ever. How the hell did that happen? Was the entire country snowed in by a blizzard? Were the other networks broadcasting hemorrhoid surgery that night? I guess you had to come of age during the Vietnam War, to appreciate a show about the Korean War. The only thing I really know about M.A.S.H. is that it gave Alan Alda countless opportunities in the future to over-act. If I’m ever in a coma, God forbid, the best way to get me to wake-up would be to play re-runs of M.A.S.H. on a loop.

Sometimes I hear about people who have learned English by watching one television show, or one movie, over and over again. I’d love to get the chance to meet one of these people.

“So how long has your cousin lived here in America?”

“Five weeks.”

“Man, his English is pretty good, but the conversation I just had with him was a little weird.”

“Really… how so?”

“Well, either he stared at me blankly, or he just said lines from, ‘Dead Poet’s Society.”

“A little carpe diem?”

“A lot of carpe diem.”

You can always tell when someone has just seen, ‘Dead Poet’s Society’, because they’ll really go overboard with the carpe diem.

“I’m overdue for a haircut.”

“Carpe diem my friend. Carpe diem.”

There’s something I need to get off my chest… I secretly enjoy taking baths. Other than my affinity for the music of Peter, Paul, and Mary, it’s probably my closest guarded secret. When I was growing up, I would instruct my mom to tell anyone who called while in I was in the bath, that I was taking a shower. I remember the first time I heard ‘Doggystyle’, the thing I was most excited about was the fact that Snoop liked to take baths, too. To be perfectly honest, the only times I take a shower are when I’m in a hurry, or when my roommate is home. Now if you’ll excuse me, my roommate will be home from work soon and I have a bath to take.

24/04/2006
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